Hanging on by a thread!
The aftermath is an after-thought, until the after becomes the now, and the thoughts become your feelings.
The time has come where once again I want to escape. Escape the thoughts of failure, of under achieving, of loss and regret that comes with the roller coaster of emotion that is my career in this brutal business.
For two weeks I have been ok, I have processed and made sense of what I did well of what I did not. Dealt with the frustrations of things that would have helped our cause outside of my control and drawn out any positivity that could be taken from the performance.
Now reality sets back in and I’m left with the repeated questions of how the fight went, what people thought of the result and of cause what’s next?
And what’s next sucks.
Everything appears ok from the outside, still laughing, joking and doing my best to keep up with my daily duties but that deep ache that sits buried just deep enough in my chest to hide from the external world continues to grow heavier and drive in a little deeper with every day that passes.
Big deal I lost a fight right, I’ll move on and besides the bullshit of having a zero in the loss column of my record the fight will have no negative effect moving forward. This is what the logical part of my brain constructs from everything going on.
The illogical part of my brain likes to get a little dark, a little crazy and whole lot more painful. Somehow it seems to win the battle of dominance more easily than the logical side.
I find myself wandering deep into my thoughts until I’m lost in the fog, wanting to distance myself from anyone who cares, falling into a place of comfort with the feelings that hurt.
Dangerous ground to be treading and to anyone who has suffered, whether conscious of it or not, depression, anxiety or feeling lost can be a weirdly inviting place to stay once you wander into the mist (listen to me I’m putting together sentence’s like a fucking fiction Author).
Lucky for me I have enough of a reason and can recognise when I do go wandering to hold a piece of string and find my way back.
My ‘why” keeps me busy, anyone that has a two-and-a-half-year-old can understand how busy life can be. Toilet training is keeping me on my toes quite literally. “Wee, Evie do a wee” probably the most frequent sentence coming out of her mouth at the moment as I run up the hall way with her over my shoulder before we lose another pair of undies for the day.
Also the very insistent demands of “Mum, Dad come here………..come play” are probably the hardest demands to refuse.
She brings the light to my life that pulls me out and keeps me afloat during my worst times and when I just ‘be’ with her I find peace, contentment and peace that no amount of chasing success ever provides.
Evie reminds me of why the fight to get through life regardless of how tough it gets is the one that really needs to be won.
At the end of the day everyone views things from a different light, success and failure, authentic and fake, whether the glass is half full or half empty, whether you won a round or you lost it, what matters and what doesn’t.
At this moment a split loss seems like the shittiest thing in the world but as long as I keep hold of that string, in a short time I will find my way back, following the light that my little girl shines and remembering why I chase this dream in the first place. To show no matter what, in a career of fights or in life you can still come out on top if your willing to outlast, out work and out will any challenges you face along your way.